This has been done before, but its been quite a while. I'm not in a good mood and a funny joke always cheers me up. I made it 18 for all you dead baby fans/creeps.

Anyways....I got kicked out of Mcdonalds when my friend told me and some other people this joke last night and one of them shot pop out his nose and all over the counter. I laughed for a good 20 minutes at this one, may have just been my state of mind that made it so funny.

Q: Why should you never play cards in the jungle?
A: Because it's full of cheetahs!!!!!!!!

I know, I know its bad. Lets hear em......... 

*chirp* *chirp* 

Fazed classic:

Why can you never starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there! (say it, it's funny, trust me, fucker.)

Otherwise:

Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
For the drizzle!

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken!

I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits.
She said, "how you gonna make that feel good for me?"
I says to her, I says, "well, when I come, I'll stop punching you in the face!"

I gots a million of 'em. I'm here all week. 

Let's hope this doesn't deteriorate into a dead baby thread...... 

shot pop out his nose

Yo, pop's had it coming. Hahahahhaha..ha..ha..
This isn't the wigger thread?
My bad. 

Give it about a half hour, Nate.
Or at least until I google it. 

haha thanks wb 

I'm the shit.

Guy walks into a bar.
Says "ow" and falls down!

<rimshot>

seriously, tip your waitresses. 

Two men in a construction yard are having a contest.
The one who can throw a brick the highest is declared the winner.
The first man throws a brick high into the air, and about a minute later it falls slamming on the ground.
The next man throws his brick much higher and it never comes down. 

^^^ I know this one.
I heard it as the blue-brick joke. 

A skeleton walks into a bar.
Asks for a beer and a mop. 

Guy walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic and his lifestyle is affecting his health and his family.

Anti-jokes. Look it up. 

Are pedophile jokes welcomed? If so:

What's the best thing about eating bald pussy?

Taking off the diaper 1st

Hey guys. So I'm doin this girl doggy style right. Well I take it out and stick it in the back door. Just when I do, she peeks over her shoulder and says, "In my butt? Isn't that a little presumptuous?" and I'm like, "Presumptuous, thats a big fuckin word for a twelve year old!"

 

A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, gobbles it down, pulls out a gun, fires into the ceiling, then exits through the front door.
The bartender says "What the hell was that for?"
The panda replies "I'm a panda, look it up!"
The bartender gets out a dictionary and flips to "P" "Panda bear, indiginous to China, eats, shoots, and leaves." 

Official! World's funniest joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

Ready?
Most horrible joke ever is below.
Be warned.

My son looks up at me and says,
"Dad, what's a deviant?"
I look down at him, and say,
"Shut up, and keep sucking!" 

Oh screwy, that joke made me spit taco bell, and it wasn't because it tastes like shit either. 

Leroy, Clem and Earl took off to the woods to go deer hunting on a long weekend. When they got out there, they couldn't decide which way to go to look for deer. Finally, Leroy said, "Well, look, y'all...I got that thar cabin up over the ridge over yonder, I'll go huntin up thar an you guys come pick me up on Monday, OK?" Clem and Earl agreed and they all went their separate ways.

Monday rolls around and Clem and Earl drive up to Leroy's cabin to pick him up. Leroy comes out looking tired and frazzled and says to his friends, "How'd y'all do this weekend?"
Clem replies, "We both bagged a buck an a doe apiece, how'd you do, Leroy?"

"Well, you guys ain't gonna believe whut I seen up there." says Leroy.
"Whut was it, Leroy?" asks Earl.
Leroy says, "Welll...I went up over that thar ridge an up to tha train tracks out thar, an I foun me a nekkid woman out by the tracks!"

Clem and Earl both made sounds of disbelief:
"Ya didn't neither!"
"Nuh-uh, ya big liar!"

Leroy told them, "Yeah, I did too! I took her up here and had me a roll in th' hay wit her, ever day til you boys got here!"

Clem and Earl got real excited then and began asking Leroy a bunch of questions:

"Was she wild, Leroy?"
"Naw, not really."

"How was it, ya have fun?"
"Yep, shore did!"

"Did she give you head, Leroy?"
"Nope, the train done got that." 

How come Smokey The Bear never had kids?

Because everytime his wife got hot, he smacked her with a shovel.

 

The next man throws his brick much higher and it never comes down.

call me an ignoramus, but i dont get it 

Two farmers are in a field.

First farmer points to a tree and says,
"See that tree? That's where I lost my virginity."

Second farmer says,
"Yeah? Was it good?"

First farmer says,
"Yeah, till her mom showed up."

Second farmer says,
"No way! What'd she say!"

First farmer says,
"Baaaaaaaaaaa." 

LMao Tse Tung 

Damn, SEW....just...DAMN! 

call me an ignoramus, but i dont get it

Let's see if you get this one...

A man is on plane headed to Madagascar. He is smoking a large cigars which is disturbing the woman next to him.
She has a large squawking parrot on her shoulder. The woman and the man begin to argue. The woman tells the man that his cigar is extremely gastly and the man replys by telling her that the parrot on her shoulding is much too loud and annoying.
After much arguing a flight attendant gets fed up with the conflict and throws the cigar and the parrot out the window.
The man and woman are mortified and look out the window to see the parrot flying next to the plane. And what did the parrot have in his mouth?

The brick. 

And what did the parrot have in his mouth?

Shoulda waited till the 30 thread limit was just about to expire. That would have been Fazed poetry.

I've seen people wait months for that punchline. Which we both have different. But whatever. 

Osama was just caught.

The sprayed viagra all over the Afganistan and the little prick popped right up. 

A blonde sits kneeling, praying to God, "God please let me win the lottery, I have to pay my rent."
The next day, she finds out she didn't win.
That night, the blonde prays even harder, "God please let me win the lottery, my children need to eat."
As she finishes, a bright light opens up and a deep voice says, "Sweetheart, work with me on this, buy a fucking lottery ticket." 

Hah!
Never heard that before, Wiggz.

What's got two thumbs and likes blowjobs?
<points thumbs towards self>
This guy! 

whats the difference between a female marathon runner and a pigmy theif?
one is a cunning runt...

whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bath tub?
one has hope in her soul...

why is your poop tapered at the end?
so your asshole doesnt slam shut

old man jones is at the golf course and gets paired up with a beautiful blonde. they get to talking as the day goes on and hit it off, so they agree to play again the next weekend. they continue playing golf every weekend for a while and she asks him over to dinner. she cooks a huge feast of the best food hes ever had and after dinner she gives him a blowjob. they keep this up for a while and jones finally asks if they are ever going to have sex. she gets very nervous and tells him she is actually a man but getting a sex change. outraged, jones gets up and says " what?! youve been playing from the red tees this whole time!! " 

What kind of movies do pirates like?

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 

monetpt u totally screwed up that joke.

It's supposed to be, "Did you hear about the new pirate movie?"

"It's rated ARRRRRRRRR" 

oh well thats how my 11 yo brother told me...sorry 

oh well thats how my 11 yo brother told me...

That's a little presumptuous... 

call-back!
zing! 

wiggle youre a little pee pee head 

Wait can we tell baby jokes yet? 

what do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?

<other person shrugs or whatever>

I didn't think you'd know. 

Who's the most popular man at the nude beach.

The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts and two cups of coffee.

Who's the most popular woman at the nude beach?

The girl who can eat the last doughnut. 

old man jones is at the golf course and gets paired up with a beautiful blonde. they get to talking as the day goes on and hit it off, so they agree to play again the next weekend. they continue playing golf every weekend for a while and she asks him over to dinner. she cooks a huge feast of the best food hes ever had and after dinner she gives him a blowjob. they keep this up for a while and jones finally asks if they are ever going to have sex. she gets very nervous and tells him she is actually a man but getting a sex change. outraged, jones gets up and says " what?! youve been playing from the red tees this whole time!! "

The only joke that made me LOL 

- What did one gay sperm say to the other?

- How do you see through all this shit!? 

A Polish guy walks into a store, and he asks the guy at the counter for a kielbasa (Polish sausage). The clerk hands him the sausage, and replies, "You must be Polish!"
The Pole, outraged, yells, "Why would you assume that? So if I buy a burrito, I must be Mexican, if I buy a pizza, I must be Italian?!"
"No," the clerk answers calmly, "It's just that this is a hardware store." 

The clerk hands him the sausage, and replies, "You must be Polish!"

What the hell is the clerk doing with a sausage in a hardware store? 

Guy walks in to a bar and keeeps repeating "I'm a wigwam I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam I'm a teepee!" Bartender asks him waht is wrong. The guy says I'm to tents. 

One evening a convenience store worker was sitting around waiting for a customer. At midnight the doors swung open and a duck walked in. “Do you have any duck food?” the duck asked.

“No we don't got any duck food,” answered the clerk.

“Okay, thanks anyway,” said the duck, and walked out.

The next evening at midnight the doors swung open again, and the same duck walked in. “Got any duck food?” he asked.

The clerk is a little annoyed. “No! We don't sell duck food!”

“Fine.” the duck said, and walked out.

The third evening at midnight the doors again swung open and the duck waddled up to the counter. “Got any duck food?”

Now the clerk is getting angry. “No” he yelled. “We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday we don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow. And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor!”

The duck turned and walked out the door.

On the fourth evening at midnight the doors swung open again and the duck slowly walked in. “Got any nails?” the duck asked.

“No we don't got any nails,” answered the clerk.

“Well then ...” said the duck, “got any duck food?” 

Two men in a construction yard are having a contest.
The one who can throw a brick the highest is declared the winner.
The first man throws a brick high into the air, and about a minute later it falls slamming on the ground.
The next man throws his brick much higher and it never comes down.

i don't get it :-/

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken!

way way way too soon. :-/ (funny tho) 

whats the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds....

....there is twenty of them
-----------------------------------------------------------
how many baby's does it take to paint a house....

...depends how hard you throw them 

A man walked into a bar and ordered three shots of Scotch whisky, which he quickly drank one after another. When he finished the last one, he ordered three more. The bartender said, "You know, that isn't good for you."

"I know," the man replied, "particularly with what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender asked.

"One dollar." 

Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
For the drizzle!

best so far :) 

What does Snoop Dogg use on his laundry?

Bleeeaatch! 

A Texan, a Californian and a Coloradoan are in a bar.

The Texan asks for a bottle of of Tequilla, which the bartender hands over promptly. The texan takes a swig, throws the bottle up in the air, pulls out his gun and shotos the bottle. The bartender asks him why he did that. The Texan replies I'm from Texas, and we have plenty of that where I come from.

The californian then orders a glass of Wine. He takes a swig, throws the bottle up in the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots it. The Bartender asks him why he did that. The Californian says I'm from California, and we have plenty of that where I come from.

The Coloradoan then asks the Bartender for a Coors Light. He takes a swig, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots both the Californian and the Texan, then catches the bottle of Coors light without spilling a drop. The Bartender asks why he did that. The Coloradoan replies I'm from Colorado, and we have plenty of those where I come from. And it's not nice to waste alcohol like that.